by Michele Nocchi-Perle, Piero Lo Faro, Alberto Tandoi
On Carnival I had the greatest fun. They’ve been awfully good days, I did behave and so my mom bought me the thing I fancied most: a Robocop costume! Wonderful! I had the whole armour, the gun, and the helmet too, that was marvellous, the eye shade kept slipping down on my eyes, though.
Luigi as well was happy in his horrible Power Ranger costume: pink, just like girlies’. Luigi’s mom doesn’t understand much about Carnival costumes, I guess… But the greatest kick of all was the party at Andrea’s, he is the luckiest kid ever: his birthday falls right during Carnival and all us us were invited at his home.
The car stops right in front of a warehouse. Tony De Francesco, that’s the motherfucker
I had to take with me, is the rookie, a steroided orango, with byceps bigger then head, and head with less brain them byceps.
Easy job, all we've got do do is to visit Emiliano a.k.a. "dolores", notorious transsexual pusher, have it explained by him what exact amount of the snow they were supposed to sell, has finished up his and his pimp's noses, recover all the money and finally spread them all over the tapestry, via the 12-gauge. All of this, in order to teach them what is commonly known as good example.
Working-tools: 2 sawed-off pump shotguns, real bloody and noisy stuff, after all that was the brief: as much blood and rumor as possibile, plus: a pretty neon-sign saying: NO-ONE STEALS DON CARMELO’S STUFF.
Beside the gun, Tony also carries his girfriend’s gift, an automatic Desert Eagle 44 Magnum, laser viewfinder, he keeps it in a pocket, sawn inside the black leather mack he’s wearing, I’d give a million dollars to know what fucking movie he’ things he thinks he’s playing in…
We enter.
Mom drove me at Andrea’s and she insisted to come upstairs, she always says you never know, that every mom should take care of their kids the way she does, on the stairs she begged me I’d be good and behave, she made me swear I had no fire-cracker on me, I mean, the same old story. While we were waiting for someone to open to us, the neighbor door opened and a man dressed like a woman has put out his nose and scanned the corridor left to right, then he has gone back in. I have asked Mom why that man had such a big breast and she has told me he must be sick, I hope not to become that ill, I’d rather have mumps one hundred times, even though my I had such a big headache and fever too.
Eventually Andrea’s mom has opened to us and she has smiled in that funny way of her, and has said she was really scared, I was so happy to frighten her!
We’re on the stairs, I turn and check that Tony would not show the artillery to the whole condo, and I freeze, the sonofabitch is wearing a pair of mirror specs and walks like a Terminator, not seeing much more than a fucking nothing… for a couple of seconds I fancy the idea of blasting his head first – like, for mistake you know? - and the two poofters’ right after, I had the same exact thought two hours ago, when the arse-hole came out with that idea, of calling each other Mister Brown and Mister Blue, like in that reservoir dogs flick…
Why not carry a sign with “Killers” written on, and “Yes that’s what we are” on the back, I say.
We’re in front of Emiliano’s apartment, from inside a hell of a noise is heard, must be a kids’ party, I hear someone singing "Keeeen… he’s the marvellous Warrior come from sky like a thundeeer….” and the rest doing the bloody choir, they’re real weirdoes, I mean.
The party was sooo great, apart from them girls breaking the balls all the time, in their Sailor Moon dresses, who they kept requesting their song be we didn’t give a damn and put “Ken Il Guerriero’s record on, which we all sang all togheter, if I was not Robocop I wish I was Ken the Warrior, mom says that if my school-votes will be high, after summer holidays i can do karate, I’m looking forward… I’ve met Isabella which I like a little and with my Robocop gun I shot a rubber bullet at her, right in her head, she went “You moron!” and ran over to Andrea’s mom, to tell her everyhing, I got so angry because she came and reproached me and took my gun also! Lucky I still had the fire-crackers on me, well hidden inside my Robocop’s armour.
Emiliano/Dolores opens the door with a smile, as far as he knows we’re here to deliver some more colombian vitamins, in exchange of those he claims not to have received ever.
He winks at Tony, squeezing his byceps with two polished-nailed fingers, she squeaks with pleasure like a horny rat, after which she turns for us to see his – let me say - state of the art buttocks, a flossy size g-string disappearing into them, then he escort us to the living room.
The supa-killa attitude has left Tony, he’s overabashed now and tries to bubble something, I sort of think mister macho man would easliy help himself to a litttle bumping with this Parco Sempione Queen. As for me, I already have… like that Lou Reed song, you know? Take a walk on the wild side… I took the fucking walk… Anyway, we follow Dolores in the living room where we find the “boyfriend”…. Jesus! he takes your stomach, he’s got this huge beer belly, must be three feet and chopped finger tall, and he wears this ridicolous third ear-ring, on the crest of his right ear. Dolores bitches around with Tony, asks him what gifts we’re carrying, Tony start stammering so I give him the “here we go” sign.
From the front apartment I hear a silly song going “Kiss me Kiss me Liciaaa…”
After some more songs we started playing the “bottle game”, do you know it? All sit in a circle and an empty bottle is spinned around, but before you decide a penitence, like: a little slap, a kiss, or a stroke… Then: the first round says who makes what, and the second decides to whom. I didn’t like that game so much but the bottle stopped on Isabella first, then on me, and she had to give me a kiss, I put up a “yuck” face, but I actually liked it…
After the bottle game, we started playing hide-and-seek but I didn’t like that etiher, so I decided to tease everyone and I hid outside the room, with the crackers and the cigarette lighter I stole from Mom, and I crunched behind a piece of furniture, in silence, awaiting..
Dolores “boyfriend” fumbles on the floor, I bashed him really hard, at this stage I start kicking the shit out his belly and he faints, must have squashed his spleen.. in the meantime Tony is sort of shooting a sadomasochist movie with Dolores, who has nothing to say about it: given that she has insulating tape over her mouth, that’s any strange. I wait for the buddy to finish his job and we’re about to beat it, I wished the kids out there make as much noise as possibile, but nothing: tomb silence…
I couldn’t choose a better timing, there’s been a moment when everyone’s shut up not to be found, so I switched the light off and lit two huge red crackers, then tossed them fast, ‘cause mom told me that on New Years’ Day many children lose their hands playing with them crackers, there has been a hell of noise, I bet all the block heard it, I heard it echoing in the flat next to ours.
Me and Tony shoot simoultaneosly - two huge “bangs!”- I almost hear them a split second before we pull the triggers. Dolores’s gown blows in the air like those America’s Cup spinnakers then bursts in a geyser of blood, I shoot the boyfriend right in his stomach, - Ok, I admit I had a problem with that belly - anyway now it’s open in two bloody halves. Tony’s eyes are half way in between excitment and postcoital sleep, I hit him on one arm and off we jump out, in the meanwhile next door is filled with hysterical yellings.
I had really made it. All mommies shouted like crazy, girls cried, and that silly Luigi stood there with a large pee-blot in the middle of his Power Ranger dress, I thought I’d better beat it so I slowly moved to the corridor.
When we’re out a fucking kid dressed like Robocop sees us and, believe it or not, he puts a up a smile that goes from ear to ear, and waves “hallo” to us, he must be nuts, askes to take him with us. We don’t even answer and keep running, and at this stage Tony enlists himself for “The Greatest Ever Bullshit Competition”: his coat is picked-up in the handrail and rips off.
I was on the corridor when two kids much older then me turned up: they were dressed for Carnival themselves, with Terminator costumes - I’ve seen that movie in the videotapes mom gets with the magazines - they had beaufiful weapons too, I asked to let me play with them please, the first looked at me as in saying “yes”, it seemed to me, but the second pushed him and he’s costume got stuck into the handrail: a gorgeous gun slipped out of it, one thosand times nicer then Robocop’s, I picked it up and they stopped on the first stairs-ramp, I then thought that they did want to play with me.
The 44 magnum of the motehrfucker flies off his jacket and the kid picks up the gun - and an exstatic face too - I just can’t understand how he manages to lift that piece, Tony freaks out and shouts at the kid to freeze, then runs the ramp back in a second, the kid smiles at him and caresses the trigger, the laser viewfinder draws a red dot right between Tony’s eyes.
I knew that scene by heart, with Terminator and Sara Connor, the red dot on the boy’s forehead, my new friend was now pretending to be angry and climbed the stairs so I pulled the trigger.
Tony’s head tilts backward while his body slips down the steps and little Robocop starts jumping all over, giggling and going “gothcha! gothcha! gothcha!” I turn and start running as fast as my feet can.
It’s been great, while the first boy feigned death with a back somersault, the second turned and pretended to escare, so I chased him and again pointed the red light on his back and pulled the trigger.
I run downstairs cursing and cursing, should I survive I’ll be a living joke on everyone’s mouth, in the family, dispelled by a eight or nine years old kid, the oddest thing is that crystal laughter coming from the monster behind me, suddenly I don’t feel my legs anymore, there’s a silly music in the distance, saying something like, Mila and Shira, two hearts for the fucking Volleyball… unbeliaveable - I’m giving it… a kid dressed like Robocop has done me…
Terminator’s gun has fallen down the companionway and the two boys who were playing with me still feigned death, I wanted to keep on playing, but Andrea’s mummy shouted at me to go back, and leave those fire-crackers, that she’d already called my mom to come and pick me, so I went back to Andrea’s and we all went on singing songs. After this mum has arrived and she was very scared, she didn’ even say anything to me about the crackers, and when we went back on the stairs it was full of cops, maybe they’d come for the noise.
It’s been real good fun, I hope next year Mom buys me the Action Man costume. |
